Sunday was an interesting day. I went to church alone because Butchie was up north snowmobiling; Jackson and Zoe both had sleepovers at friend's houses; and PJ had homework to do--and I let him skip church so he'd not have an excuse to miss youth group that evening. I was okay with going to church alone, and in hindsight, it was probably a good thing. The sermon was really good, in an exceptionally challenging sort of way. Heart stuff--good heart stuff--but HARD heart stuff. I left there in a big hurry because I didn't want to deal with what was happening in my heart in a public place!
Integrity. A word full of so many expectations.
My life has been under the microscope lately, and I've been the examiner. There have been a few things going on with my family, and in the midst of dealing with said "things" I've had to take a long, hard look at the past couple of years. Choices we've made as a couple. Choices I've made as an individual. How Paul and I have lead our family. What condition my heart was in, and in the same vein, what had prominence in my heart, and consequently came from my mouth. It's been somewhat brutal. But necessary.
In the midst of all of this introspection, I couldn't stop listening to my worship playlist. In the gym, at home, in my van. Songs of life, hope, and love permeated my atmosphere. One line in a song made me stop frozen in my tracks. Chris Tomlin's Indescribable.
You see the depths of our hearts, and you love us the same--you are amazing God.
You see the depths of MY heart and you love ME the same--
There's comfort in the knowledge that God discerns me. He knows. The deepest part of my existence is found in Him. And He still loves me. He knows about the pain. He knows about the struggle. He knows about the rejection, fear, and timidity. He knows about the wilderness. He knows I ran from him. He knows that I've had a hard time even trusting Him. Yet, his love doesn't change. He still loves me the same.
I'm not going to pretend that I can wrap my brain around it--because I can't. But what I do know is that I'm thankful. There's nothing in me worthy of such love--except for Jesus.
It brings me to my knees. The truth that His love is without condition.
Father, bring my heart to a place of complete surrender to you. You are worthy of all of me, and I won't stop moving toward you until every last ounce of nastiness is removed from the depths of my heart. Bring me to a place of integrity--that when I lead, it is toward you. Crowd out the desires of the flesh, and what this world has to offer me--and fill it with an unquenchable thirst for more of your presence. Cause me to be thoughtful of your ways, let your word be on my tongue, let your love flow through me to others. I give you permission to undo me, and make into who you know I can be. Thank you for loving me with an unsearchable love. Help me to live like one who is completely loved by you. Set me on a forward trajectory, receiving the grace that you so freely give, and moving from this place to the next, because you are glorified in it. You are divine, and I am indebted. I love you so. In Jesus' name, amen.
1 friends commented here!:
Wow. This post couldn't have come with more perfect timing. As I am reading this this morning, I had to stop because the tears that are falling are blurring my vision and the resonance is astounding...echoing much of what my heart has been crying this very morning. You had me with "You see the depths of my heart and You love me the same." Hard tears falling. I'm going to soak this in...and His mercies (as you said,..."that each minute of my day will be like a new morning," covering me in mercy. Thank you for your intuitive call, for your prayer. It was everything I needed and I thank God that He worked and spoke through you. I'm praying for myself, this very prayer you wrote. It couldn't have been articulated more beautifully. Thank you!
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